Divorce and Chaos

Divorce is one of the most chaotic events that any human being will go through. When beginning the dissolution process, there are many factors one must consider, such as:

-The length of time of the marriage, i.e., the longer the worse.

-The number of children.

-The ages of the participants.

-The amount of property and business.

-The mental condition, i.e., do either one of the participants have personality disorders, character disorders, schizophrenia, paranoia, or a bipolar disorder?

-The amount of or the lack of extended family who either will urge the right thing or the wrong thing for the participants; all aforementioned contribute to the chaos.

You must consider that the configuration and mixture of the aforementioned factors will increase the amount of chaos. If there is little money in the divorce and one of the participants’ parents have sufficient money to hire better lawyers, better appraisers, better psychologists, better evaluators, it can significantly deteriorate the position or the ability of the one member or both to have a much greater advantage in processing the divorce. Parents, relatives, or boyfriends/girlfriends who can participate in funding the divorce can all lengthen the amount of time that it takes to finalize divorce, and more importantly, can tilt results so that one participant in the divorce or the other or both do not have to settle since they do not have the financial pressure to do so. When one participant has financial assistance there becomes a negotiation or risk factor in a divorce. If the financial ability of both parties in a divorce is somewhat equal, they will understand that they are spending their own irreplaceable capita which will assist in compelling sanity to reach the divorce. At other times, if one party to the divorce has been unfaithful, the divorce and unmovable negotiating positions become revenge for years of abuse. If there has been physical violence over a long period of time, the divorce itself becomes an opportunity for revenge or a time to get even. Thus, there is no rational position or negotiation. If there has been a loss or hiding of community property assets during the course of the divorce, or a complete breakdown of trust, it will make any offer seem or appear to be one more opportunity for a person to take advantage of their spouse. If there has been long term verbal abuse, rage, wrongdoing, and diminishment of one spouse’s abilities or personhood, divorce becomes an opportunity for revenge.

One of the most important chaos factors is infidelity. One or both partners have been unfaithful, then one or both partners have another person who will consider themselves to have an emotional stake in the outcome of the divorce, as well as a financial stake in the outcome of a divorce. The pain and suffering that infidelity brings, which is the breaking of the marital vow, again puts the revenge factor, the get even factor, the not caring about the financial circumstances of the divorce to come into negative play. There is a schema that has been in existence for a very long time called the geno-gram that we use that puts all of the factors, i.e., job, outside funding, extended family, grandmother, uncles, aunts, and parents into a visual diagram in order to bring those into the mix to increase chaos. Rarely, if ever, will you find extended family members urging sanity in the settlement, because all the extended family members will have ever heard is their relative’s version of what is wrong, placing blame on the other spouse. Given the emotional upset, many times there is no thought about important negotiating points, e.g., you negotiate and the bottom line is what you need, not what you want.

Another factor to take into consideration is that you are cutting in half the financial income of two people and/or children to live at some financial level. Financial chaos is cause quite often by the following: some people either one or both, determine to become pregnant as an opportunity to patch a bad relationship, which is insanity and further causes chaos because they are bringing a new human life into a chaotic, uncertain, and conflict laden argumentative life. The financial irresponsibility whether by one or both parties as an attempt to feel better, by the acquisition of another home, a new room, a new business, another car or expenditures for cosmetics, plastic surgery, over eating, over drinking, promiscuity, or the insane search for a new partner in the middle of a relationship that has not yet come to a complete end, all add to the chaos. All of the above mentioned factors are also completely ineffective and eventually destructive. They end up building massive credit card bills at 21%, further adding to the financial chaos and making it so that either one or both parties are unable to purchase another residence. Against the forged is a person to whom there had once been supreme love is now both destructive and more importantly psychologically confusing to someone who tries to sort out the added mixture of figuring out what is next. People in the divorce must realize that they must completely reconstitute their life and set brand new life goals, retirement goals, life-style goals, living goals, parenting goals and working goals. Dealing with long term personal human goals is something that human beings, not in a divorce, not married, and not in a crumbling relationship, do. It is much harder for a person in the middle of chaos to attempt to make clear plans for the future. It is, however, one of the essentials.

During the course of a marriage, even to one that goes to three years or to 23 years, cause people to take the various living tasks, such as writing a checkbook, fixing the car, maintaining the house, being the primary childcare source and dividing them between each other (i.e., one parent takes the children to karate, camping, while the other takes the children to the pediatrician, dentist, doctor, etc). The degree that one or both parties handle homework, teacher meetings, church on Sundays, the passing on of the morays in both ways of their particular ethnic group, religious group, passing on the culture of various family cultures all come into the witches brew of what to do next. When suddenly both parties have to handle 100% of all of the tasks, including taking clothes to the cleaners, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, further education, etc, either one or both parties will eventually feel inadequate. When they are told they are useless and ineffective, it gives that statement a ring of truth because no one can do all of that. Someone who is either a bachelor or bachelorette is either used to doing all of it or are not. It makes a difference whether that person initiated the divorce or was the one that was left behind. It makes a difference if someone initiates the divorce because they can no longer take the pain of beatings, infidelity, financial starvation, or the continual diminution of their personhood, while the emotional impact felt from the one that was left behind is dramatic and awesome.

Tiger Woods and Marital Infidelity

The recent media feeding frenzy, caused by Tiger Woods’ serial marital infidelity, has brought to the public’s attention the issue of fidelity and infidelity in marriage. The words of most marital vows include a phrase: “TO HONOR, LOVE, AND OBEY YOUR SPOUSE UNTIL DEATH DO YOU SO PART,” or some variation thereof. The seriousness of that oath is quite often lost in the moment of the marriage plans or the up-and-coming honeymoon.

When one gets married, the number of extraordinarily serious and consequential obligations grows. A short list of them is as follows: First and foremost, you are accountable to the person that you have married. Secondly, you are responsible for certain types of behavior with regard to the person whom you have married. The first behavior is physical fidelity, the second is emotional fidelity, and the third is that you fulfill any obligations that you and your spouse have agreed upon, with regard to dividing up the various functions in order to produce results you have previously agreed upon. This can be accomplished together as a team or as individuals and may include: child birthing and rearing, financial support for the individuals within the marriage (including any such children as may be born), responsible management of your emotions (especially including temper and temperament) that you exhibit to your spouse, discipline as to the things you do and do not say (which may be hurtful to the person and harmful to the relationship), discipline with regard to personal behavior and habits (which may be hurtful, harmful, or helpful to the relationship), absolute prohibition against any type of physical violence, and absolute prohibition against any kind of mental abuse (derogatory remarks, hurtful remarks, emotionally damaging statements, diminishing remarks on your spouse’s looks, efforts or behavior). You should create a statement of what you are committed to and, more importantly, there should be a statement of what you are not committed to.

Many people do not contemplate other effects that can, and do, occur after you are married to an individual. You are responsible and accountable for the effects that your behavior in thought, word and deed has on your spouse and on the fabric of the marriage. You are to be both the caretaker as well as the jealous guardian of the full meaning of the oath that you gave. There is no wiggle room for following the letter of your oath and engaging in behavior that would dishonor the spirit of your oath is unacceptable. Moral character, regarding your behavior in though, word, and being, has its effects on your marriage partner and on the immediate members of your family. You are accountable to be vigilant in regards to your responsibility for the results of your actions, be it emotional, verbal, or physical. You cannot ever use weasel words or quibbling thoughts that would allow you to shirk your duties and responsibilities or to skirt their true meaning and spirit. “MOST IMPORTANT ARE THE SPIRIT OF YOUR OATHS AND COMMITMENTS REGARDING YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO THE RELATIONSHIP OF YOUR SPOUSE AND FAMILY.”

You are the gatekeeper for all of your behavior and conduct that would cause hurt or disrepute to your reputation or to that of your family. You are therefore required to conduct yourself in a manner that is trustworthy and engenders demonstrable trust to your spouse. You must at all times conduct yourself in a manner that will bring honor and pride about your actions and what you stand for regarding your life, which has now been bound to another person. This is a requirement of your life: that you behave in a manner that speaks or gives evidence of the highest integrity with regard to you, your spouse, and your family. Your conduct in this particular framework means in thoughts, words, and deeds. You cannot be a person who lies, cheats or steals and you cannot “ASSOCIATE WITH PEOPLE THAT LIE, CHEAT, AND STEAL.” You cannot have any sort of a business relationship, friendship or even a casual connection with anyone that would recommend, participate, or urge you to conduct yourself in any manner having to do with lying, cheating, stealing or infidelity of any kind. Association with individuals who put temptation in your path or individuals who suggest and give you the opportunity to do any of those things cannot occur.

You must be crystal clear with regard to the devastating, lifetime scarring and extreme emotional pain that any dishonorable behavior on your part will cause to your spouse, your children, your family, your friends, and your business. All of these statements are true whether you are found out or discovered, as were Tiger Woods and Bernie Madoff, or not. It matters not one single bit whether you are a lifetime cheater, fraud, liar, thief or not. You will know, the universe will know, and you will bring dishonor and painful consequences in the here and hereafter.

Bernie Madoff was the largest serial liar in America’s financial history. It made no matter whether he gave generously to charities or not, it is certainly much easier to give to charity other people’s money when you do not have to earn it yourself. A couplel positive examples of the opposite behavior are Warren Buffet and Bill Gates. The untold harm and agony that Bernie Madoff brought to thousands of people through 50 billion dollars worth of fraudulent behavior is both beyond belief and incalculable. He stole people’s futures. He stole their lifestyle. He financially and emotionally injured, incalculably, little people and destroyed the trust that people put in him and in our financial system. He destroyed their future so that he might impart to his family multi-million dollar houses, penthouses, yachts, and an extravagant lifestyle. He stole, lied, and intentionally conducted himself as a trustworthy man of integrity in order to draw more individuals into his financial trap.

All conduct has consequences. There are results, both positive and negative, that are marked, observable, and valid. These results have positive or negative effects on your spouse, your children, your family, your business associates, your business itself, and your clients. You are 100% responsible for all of the causes and effects that result from your honor, integrity, honesty or your lack of those very same traits.

In the case of Tiger Woods, for the sake of an hour or two of pleasure with ten or more different women, he has cause incalculable damage to his spouse, his child, and their reputations in the future as well as the people who trusted his behavior and paid him multimillion dollars of endorsement money. I have often heard the question asked, “what was he thinking of?” Well, the answer is most likely that it was for his individual, personal, momentary pleasure and not a thought was given to the consequences his actions would have on his wife Elin, his children, the people who trusted him or the young men and women who idolized him, emulated him, copied his work ethic, business acumen, apparent morals and family values. There is a psychological term, not in wide commerce, called Malignant Narcissism. A modest, nonprofessional description of that trait is: “Anything I want, anywhere, and anytime I want it, regardless of the consequences to anyone as long as it satisfies my momentary or long term goals.”

Some people will say that he didn’t realize the consequences. My answer to those ineffective, lame excuses would be that he didn’t care; it didn’t make a difference. To have a person be so devoid of care for other people when there have been great gifts, rewards, accolades, and honors heaped upon him is unacceptable. Momentary sexual pleasure and the ego gratification that supposedly comes with having many individuals of the opposite or same sex desiring to have intimate contact with you is unacceptable. The minute that Mr. Woods looked at what he was responsible for, who he was accountable to, what the consequences of being found out would be, and what results would be visited on his wife, his children, his mother, his family, his sponsors, the sport of golf (of which he is at the unquestionable pinnacle of) didn’t matter one single iota.

There have been other famous people who have been unfaithful and have had their defenders attempt differentiate that there is somehow a difference in how he conducts himself in the highest office of the land. They say that his destruction of the oath to his spouse, his children, his in-laws, and the whole country is nobody’s business but his own. Keep in mind that one’s conduct is dishonorable whether it is known or unknown. It does not make a difference. In the case of Mr. Woods, the women that had liaisons with him all knew that they were participating in the destruction of his oath and the besmirching of his honor and reputation. They chose to participate in an act that was brief and selfish and one that would cause unbelievable emotional hurt and devastation to others. It makes no difference whatsoever whether you know who those others are or you do not. Dishonor and a lack of integrity have a life of their own, far past the momentary act.

It is essential to realize that a dishonorable act or a act of infidelity in thought, word, or deed has a long and destructive life. Consider that there is a beautiful and tranquil pool which someone throws a stone into the middle of. The ripples spread out and out and out from the first impact of the stone. Consider the stone and the throwing of it an act of infidelity, dishonor or dishonesty. Those small ripples that are easily envisioned turn into tsunamis or tidal waves with enormous destructive power and far-reaching consequences, far beyond the miserable horizon of most of the individuals. This is all for the sake of someone’s own gratification, ego or personal satisfaction. Individuals commit those acts and have results far beyond their small, selfish, unfortunate horizons. People who bring into the marriage relationship unfaithful acts have made a conscious choice to not care and an unwillingness to be responsible for the consequences and the effects. Some individuals say it was an addiction or that their behavior was a particular kind of sickness. Sickness also has its consequences. Sickness can effect many others. Infidelity and dishonorable actions can make many other people sick.

If a person powerful beyond belief can commit such an act, millions of people will no doubt question, “why can’t I?” The why can’t I part is a rhetorical questions to give others the excuse or false justification to conduct themselves in a dishonorable or reprehensible manner. Leaders and successful people are required to conduct themselves in a manner that will honor their success, their traits, and give a positive responsible example of how people who have succeeded in life should behave.

The women that were willing, conscious participants in Tiger Woods’ dishonorable behavior are also responsible, as they are dishonorable people. It is not honorable to participate in the destruction of someone else’s marital vows. It shows a massive lack of integrity and is an example of moral blindness. You as an individual must be so steadfast and conduct yourself in thought, word, and deed that no one would ever think to solicit you to lie, cheat, steal, or give dishonor to your marriage vows. An individual who is conducting themselves honorably and with integrity would not be available for any solicitation nor would they tolerate anyone around them who was, or anyone who proposed unethical behavior.

In a marriage setting, where the quality of life and an individual’s future is supposed to be protected by the institution of marriage, trust becomes sacred and integrity becomes a requisite quality for each member of the relationship. A marriage partner who is not trustworthy cannot be tolerated. If someone is untrustworthy in the marital setting, the cost of such dishonesty can be measured in dollars, the destruction of the other marital partner’s future, the significant damage in the quality of life of the other partner and any children that are members of the relationship, and the destruction of the individual partners in the marital relationship’s future. A short, clear concept of the institution of marriage is predicated on the functional necessity of honesty. In short, the institution of marriage expects its participants to commit to a lifetime of honorable living and fidelity to one another.

Going back to the original proposition of getting married, in order to give the marital or marriage relationship a chance to succeed, marriage requires honor and fidelity as a fundamental value given to the marital relationship and the other partner as the requirement, not as an ideal. Honor and stability are behavioral characteristics. Honor and fidelity are simple standards addressed earlier in this document. On the developmental plane, the marital or marriage conditions expect that all participants strive to live far above the minimum standard of the behavior and develop a commitment to the ethical principals that guide moral actions.

Unfortunately, individuals such as Tiger Woods and Bernie Madoff have fallen far below the minimum standards of behavior involving honor, integrity, trustworthiness, accountability, and responsibility. They both have been nationwide examples of immoral, unethical, dishonest, unfaithful behavioral standards. No two individuals have ever been so markedly written about and investigated (obviously Tiger Woods’ investigation is far from over). All of their opponents, proponents, and the average American citizen are able to read and details that are meticulous, sordid and detailed. The damage and pain to their spouses, their children, their family and other individuals who relied on them is unequivocal and unforgivable. So much in the marital relationship relies on trust, integrity, and the self-policing of an individual’s behavior in spite of any temptations, opportunities, and circumstances that would cause an individual to be dishonorable or exhibit a lack of integrity to the core values of honesty, trustworthiness, reliability that are a bedrock principle of a successful marriage.

It is not possible to conceptualize a marriage not based on the marital vow that includes the words “to love, honor, and obey until death do us part.” The severity and seriousness of the concept of living a marital life that includes love, along with everything that comes with it (generosity, care, charity, and honor) and everything that it means (including the accountability and the responsibility for conducting oneself honorably) shall last for the rest of the individual’s lives until death itself takes you apart.

Caring for the characteristics that I’ve written about in this observation is first a lifetime job and a lifetime commitment. It is a day by day, and hour by hour commitment to conduct oneself honorably and responsibly, with maximum care given the nurturing of your marital partner. One must understand that the marital status breaths; it has a heartbeat and emotional content. A marriage provides security to its participants; it builds a strong foundation for the partner’s future. It is a steel wall of defense from outside intruders and intrusions. It provides defense in partnership during difficult times. It is the pillar of strength for meeting all of life’s chaotic events as well as blessed ones. It is words become real. It is words become solid. It is words that are given life and strength and future by the moment by moment, day by day, year by year choices to protect it, to defend it against temptations, to have care in the events, transactions, and relationships that are daily, weekly, and monthly presented to the individual members of the relationship.

It requires that you speak clearly and unequivocally. To communicate cares, concerns, future plans, and future engagements to your partner so that they might become participants in the intentions that are drawn into the marital relationship.
I cannot state this with certainty, but I believe that Tiger Woods’ wife Elin fell in love with Tiger Woods. She then allowed herself to become pregnant twice based on Mr. Woods’ commitment to fidelity. There is no doubt that Ms. Woods, when she pondered and considered her future could see in her 30s, 40s, and 50s, and in old age, could see that her children would be brought up in the best possible circumstances in America and the conduct of her life was designed to manage a household, care for the children, and be an available wife.

In a short matter of time, due to careless communications, cell phones, modern communicative technology, and texts, all of her thoughts, intentions, and plans of which she had given some 4 years of her life to where unalterably and severely damaged. Trust in her mate was severely damaged and, without a doubt, certain aspects of Mr. Woods’ behavior were exposed in the fashion that the accuracy of the reports were unquestionable. Deniability became not an option. Sordid reality became a fact and all for a momentary, fleeting satisfaction of several hours duration with no possible current or future benefit to Mr. Woods other than personal, sexual gratification.

It is so reminiscent of the hubris in the ancient Greek plays written 2500 years ago and in the clearly identified Shakespearean tragedies of people who begin to think that they are larger than life and unbound by the rules of law, god, and humanity. Each time those individuals, from Escalus to Lady Macbeth to Othello, came terribly crashing down to earth with the clearest message that they, too, were mortal and subject to all of the mortal rules.

Life is an extremely powerful force that regulates its own rules, which are relatively simple in expression, but not in the living. Go to some of the great men in history and read their words on honor and integrity. From Marcus Aurelius to Robert E. Lee to Winston Churchill. Read what General Douglas McCarthy wrote about honor and integrity. Read general Ulysses Grant. Men and women who lived in times and circumstances where lives were at stake by simply living an honorable life, with behaviors that were predictable. Read what George Washington said. Review Mahat, Gandhi, Admiral Nelson. Read Abraham Lincoln, Joan of Arc, Sister Theresa. These are people who lived as if their lives and the lives of the people whom they lead, served ,or worked with depended on it, because they did.

If you know that the marital relationship is a living, breathing entity that thrives and is nurtured by people who strive to keep their marital vows – live by them, think about them, discuss them, read examples of them – you will begin to see that all marriages are a continuing work, the conclusion of which is not written until one partner or the other dies and sometimes far beyond the grave. A marriage is a work in progress. Your marriage, no matter how humble or inclusive of financial abundance, can still be constructed of the finest alabaster and marble with towering spires. Your marriage, no matter how financially abundant, can be a false edifice constructed out of dung in pain, fear, and anxiety. It can be destructive to or your partner no matter how well photographed, detailed, or constructed for public consumption.

Your marriage can also be a beautiful, elegant edifice no matter how simple, how unrecorded, whether or not it ever hits a newspaper or magazine or is if anyone marks it other than your marital partner, your children, and your family. A successful living, breathing marriage, clearly directed toward eternity, will light up all around you with life, warmth, and a golden glow. Marriage, if conducted with love, fidelity, cheer and intention, can be one more example of a solid stone in the wall of an integral society. It can also be a cancerous, evil example of something looking wonderful on the outside, but doomed to crash sooner or later from the rottenness and lack of foundation, lack of fidelity, lack of care and lack of loving.

This writing is intended to cause the reader to think of the following:
1. The absolute bedrock of any marriage is fidelity.
2. Partners in a marriage need to conduct their relationships with each other based on honor, integrity, communication, accuracy
3. Marriage partners must be clear that there are consequences to the actions, activities, words and thoughts of each individual partner

Everyone takes approximately the same marriage vows, but very few take them seriously and work on them for a lifetime. Marriages need to be nurtured as any living, breathing entity should be. Charity, understanding, forgiveness, patience, and emotional control are essential qualities of a marriage. Words have a stronger effect on a marriage than almost anything else. Words create impressions in the mind of the marital partner. Words can either build and strengthen the marital bond or they can tear it down. It is essential that you keep your word to your marital partner. It is essential that your marital partner be able to trust your word, act on it, plan their future on it, and know that you will do everything humanly or even inhumanly possible to keep your word and make it law in the universe. It is essential that you not diminish your marital partner in any way. It is essential that you not insult your marital partner, their family or their work. It is essential that you support your marital partner’s purpose. It is essential that you put in writing your own concept of the marriage.

Infidelity is the single, most painful emotional event that you can visit on your spouse. The second most painful, damaging thing that you can visit on your spouse is a continual stream of personal diminishment, insults, and denigration for their looks, efforts, and what they are up to. It is essential that you get both parties to write exactly what it is that they are up to and what their plan is. Cleanliness in a marriage is essential. Personal and financial order, item placement, and location is essential to the security of the marriage. Tolerance for your partner’s shortcomings is crucial to the growth of the marriage bond. Uncontrolled emotional outbursts and temper is one of the most damaging things that you can bring to a marriage. Damaging, insulting innuendo may not breach the letter of the law between marital partners, but it most certainly damages the spirit and trust in the marriage. Gentleness is a requirement. Support of all kinds – emotional and financial – is crucial in supporting a marriage. Personal predictability is an essential characteristic that will allow trust to nurture and grow between marital partners. A partnership in any activity, no matter how small in the marital relationship, is excellent for building the relationship itself. On the other hand, some of the clear messages of infidelity are noted as follows:

• You’re not good enough.
• You’re not enough.
• I prefer someone over you.
• I prefer multiple someones over you.
• My word is useless.
• You can’t trust me.
• Your feelings don’t matter.
• You do not satisfy me.
• Being with you is unsatisfactory.
• I need more than you are.
• Your reputation doesn’t matter.
• My reputation doesn’t matter.
• Your shame is not important to me.
• Your embarrassment is not important to me.
• Our mark in the world doesn’t matter.
• What people think about us doesn’t count.
• What people think about me doesn’t count.
• What people think about you doesn’t count.
• Infidelity is a message to the world that you are not satisfying to me.
• What you think doesn’t make a difference and what you feel doesn’t matter.
• You don’t make a difference.
• Our reputation as a family doesn’t make a difference.
• I will never be caught, I will never be found out.
• I am too slick, I am too tricky.
• What I want comes first, what you want doesn’t matter.
• I can buy my way out of it.
• Our marriage doesn’t count.
• Our future doesn’t count, your future doesn’t count.
• We have no future.
• Love is not enough.
• Trust is meaningless.
• Commitment is impossible.
• Growing old together is not important.
• Setting a good example for our children is not as important as my momentary passion and satisfaction.

The cost of an individual’s failure to honor their oath is incomprehensible regarding the cost in pain, anxiety, destruction of trust, and the absolute chaos that it causes to the unfaithful person’s spouse, children, and extended family.