Divorce and Chaos

Divorce is one of the most chaotic events that any human being will go through. When beginning the dissolution process, there are many factors one must consider, such as:

-The length of time of the marriage, i.e., the longer the worse.

-The number of children.

-The ages of the participants.

-The amount of property and business.

-The mental condition, i.e., do either one of the participants have personality disorders, character disorders, schizophrenia, paranoia, or a bipolar disorder?

-The amount of or the lack of extended family who either will urge the right thing or the wrong thing for the participants; all aforementioned contribute to the chaos.

You must consider that the configuration and mixture of the aforementioned factors will increase the amount of chaos. If there is little money in the divorce and one of the participants’ parents have sufficient money to hire better lawyers, better appraisers, better psychologists, better evaluators, it can significantly deteriorate the position or the ability of the one member or both to have a much greater advantage in processing the divorce. Parents, relatives, or boyfriends/girlfriends who can participate in funding the divorce can all lengthen the amount of time that it takes to finalize divorce, and more importantly, can tilt results so that one participant in the divorce or the other or both do not have to settle since they do not have the financial pressure to do so. When one participant has financial assistance there becomes a negotiation or risk factor in a divorce. If the financial ability of both parties in a divorce is somewhat equal, they will understand that they are spending their own irreplaceable capita which will assist in compelling sanity to reach the divorce. At other times, if one party to the divorce has been unfaithful, the divorce and unmovable negotiating positions become revenge for years of abuse. If there has been physical violence over a long period of time, the divorce itself becomes an opportunity for revenge or a time to get even. Thus, there is no rational position or negotiation. If there has been a loss or hiding of community property assets during the course of the divorce, or a complete breakdown of trust, it will make any offer seem or appear to be one more opportunity for a person to take advantage of their spouse. If there has been long term verbal abuse, rage, wrongdoing, and diminishment of one spouse’s abilities or personhood, divorce becomes an opportunity for revenge.

One of the most important chaos factors is infidelity. One or both partners have been unfaithful, then one or both partners have another person who will consider themselves to have an emotional stake in the outcome of the divorce, as well as a financial stake in the outcome of a divorce. The pain and suffering that infidelity brings, which is the breaking of the marital vow, again puts the revenge factor, the get even factor, the not caring about the financial circumstances of the divorce to come into negative play. There is a schema that has been in existence for a very long time called the geno-gram that we use that puts all of the factors, i.e., job, outside funding, extended family, grandmother, uncles, aunts, and parents into a visual diagram in order to bring those into the mix to increase chaos. Rarely, if ever, will you find extended family members urging sanity in the settlement, because all the extended family members will have ever heard is their relative’s version of what is wrong, placing blame on the other spouse. Given the emotional upset, many times there is no thought about important negotiating points, e.g., you negotiate and the bottom line is what you need, not what you want.

Another factor to take into consideration is that you are cutting in half the financial income of two people and/or children to live at some financial level. Financial chaos is cause quite often by the following: some people either one or both, determine to become pregnant as an opportunity to patch a bad relationship, which is insanity and further causes chaos because they are bringing a new human life into a chaotic, uncertain, and conflict laden argumentative life. The financial irresponsibility whether by one or both parties as an attempt to feel better, by the acquisition of another home, a new room, a new business, another car or expenditures for cosmetics, plastic surgery, over eating, over drinking, promiscuity, or the insane search for a new partner in the middle of a relationship that has not yet come to a complete end, all add to the chaos. All of the above mentioned factors are also completely ineffective and eventually destructive. They end up building massive credit card bills at 21%, further adding to the financial chaos and making it so that either one or both parties are unable to purchase another residence. Against the forged is a person to whom there had once been supreme love is now both destructive and more importantly psychologically confusing to someone who tries to sort out the added mixture of figuring out what is next. People in the divorce must realize that they must completely reconstitute their life and set brand new life goals, retirement goals, life-style goals, living goals, parenting goals and working goals. Dealing with long term personal human goals is something that human beings, not in a divorce, not married, and not in a crumbling relationship, do. It is much harder for a person in the middle of chaos to attempt to make clear plans for the future. It is, however, one of the essentials.

During the course of a marriage, even to one that goes to three years or to 23 years, cause people to take the various living tasks, such as writing a checkbook, fixing the car, maintaining the house, being the primary childcare source and dividing them between each other (i.e., one parent takes the children to karate, camping, while the other takes the children to the pediatrician, dentist, doctor, etc). The degree that one or both parties handle homework, teacher meetings, church on Sundays, the passing on of the morays in both ways of their particular ethnic group, religious group, passing on the culture of various family cultures all come into the witches brew of what to do next. When suddenly both parties have to handle 100% of all of the tasks, including taking clothes to the cleaners, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, further education, etc, either one or both parties will eventually feel inadequate. When they are told they are useless and ineffective, it gives that statement a ring of truth because no one can do all of that. Someone who is either a bachelor or bachelorette is either used to doing all of it or are not. It makes a difference whether that person initiated the divorce or was the one that was left behind. It makes a difference if someone initiates the divorce because they can no longer take the pain of beatings, infidelity, financial starvation, or the continual diminution of their personhood, while the emotional impact felt from the one that was left behind is dramatic and awesome.